breakups.

I think this is the closest thing that I have ever had to a broken heart.
I have issues, I don't let people in- I am afraid of getting hurt.
People don't know me very well because I don't let them. . . I think that is why I blog, that is why I write, that is how I release myself.
I always prepare myself for heartache in every relationship.
I always expect someone to let me down and not keep promises.
Then when a time comes for me to feel pain I don't.  I don't cry, I don't hurt, I feel nothing- I am numb.
This isn't a good thing- it is protection, but it isn't good.
It is almost as if I am lying, lying to myself.
I tell myself that there is no pain- it is almost like I remove my feelings from me, I change my perspective.
That isn't right.  I need to hurt.  I need know what pain is-
For now though I can't.  My life is too good.
I guess I will try again later.

I would like to say that I am hurting right now- I should be.
Given the circumstances I should be swimming in tears, cussing the world, and hating break- but I don't.
I am not extremely happy by any means, but for goodness sake I am not sad, or mad-

A lot of my prayers have been answered lately, but not necessarily the way I was expecting them to be. . .but then again isn't that how it always happens?
I have so much to be thankful for.  My life is amazing.

Cheers to heartache.

lost time.

Fact: Cramps Hurt.

I wish it wasn't snowing outside- I want to go running.

Monday I did something that was kind of stupid looking back at it now- I ran to the town next to me.

REGULARLY this wouldn't be stupid, but it was really foggy outside.

I couldn't see any cars coming and I am sure they couldn't see me, but I ran anyway.

I have always want to do it, but never had the will power until Monday and I wasn't going to let it escape me.  Something has changed.  I have become a strong willed person.  I just keep wanting to push myself to become better in everything I can.  It kills me to waste my life away on things that honestly don't matter (aka: facebook, t.v.).

This life is precious and every second wasted is a second lost.  I don't want to be rich with lost time.  

When I started this blog I was frustrated with change, but even though some changes bring heartache other changes bring a new day, new life, new beginnings of laughter and joy.

I am going to put all my "change" in a jar and keep them forever.  Then one day all of my "changes" will have grown to produce such a treasure that I can't even comprehend yet.

I move in a five days.
I feel ready.
I need to leave.
It is time for this little birdie to leave her nest.
I have been through an emotional roller coaster and I have to get off!  I need to just leave- remove myself from this situation and start anew!

I like the purple bag of Skittles the best-
I want to become a pro at in-city driving.
I HATE when people try to predict my life, it makes me want to prove them wrong.
I want to get a degree.
I wish the trampoline wasn't broken, I would sleep on it tonight.
I heard thunder- maybe I won't have to work. . .Then I could go watch my sister's volleyball game!
I'm going to miss my sister!
My heart feels like it is sinking into my gut- blah I don't like that feeling.
I want to drive to Provo and talk to a dear friend!

I like to record things- Memories, thoughts, dreams, thoughts that I dream about making into memories!
I treasure the things I have written, and I hope that some day those who come after me will too!
I have often asked myself what it is that I will enjoy reading the most. . I use to just broadly write down what I did each day.
  Example: Today I woke up, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth. . . .
Who cares enough to read that I did those things?  I looked through one of my first journals and pages like that bored me to death - so I started writing down major events.  I like reading how I thought, the way I saw things - when I grow up I want to learn about me all over again!

(outside the clouds are rolling in! please stay!)

I like to take pictures of the sun, it is almost heavenly in a sense.  When sun beams touching the earth- it makes me happy!
I believe in Sunday Drives.  I drove for an hour and a half with my gas light on- probably not the best idea, but I wasn't worried. . .
I hate when people watch me take pictures.
I love when the irrigation ditches flood- I think it is beautiful!
I want to get a motorcycle when I grow up.
I can only sing church hymns and sound decent, I wish I could really sing, but unfortunately I am pretty sure I have ruined my voice.
I chased migrating geese that stopped in a field to take a break.
I walked through fields of grasshoppers yesterday and it hurt me- I was hit in the face, legs, hands!  Some may feel grossed out by that, but it took me back to my childhood.  The neighbor kids use to come over and we would catch grasshoppers in the weeds outback for hours.
I had a throbbing headache.  I don't know why. . . It hurt though-
I thoroughly enjoy August.

(sigh) clean.

It's the end of summer- and I'm spring cleaning!
Ah!  Relief!
Cleaning and I have a love hate relationship.
I hate being stuck inside all day. . . and cleaning does take me all day.
I love finding the treasures of my childhood that are still dear to my heart!  I love getting lost in the memories and the feeling of being organized and well. . . clean.
I have currently been sleeping on the couch for the last two and a half weeks.  (I do have a comfy couch- I'm not complaining!)  My room was in complete dishevel and I just let it go.
Today I'm finding my bed.  I have "hand-me-downed" over half my closet and thrown away flip-flops that are pretty much rotted out (I don't know why I kept them. . . )
I had a problem with keeping everything!  I say "had" because I'm getting better at letting go- and moving on, and it feels good!

. . . I'm moving. . .soon. . .
Gosh my summer has flown- I need to get [another] job.
Cleaning has been my first eye opener, I'm not going to be living here anymore and I don't know how to feel about it.  What should I be feeling?
I talked the night away with one of my dearest friends.  We picked sunflowers, walked across cement barriers and got lost in the skies.  Another one of those realizations set in- you know the ones when you realize that things can never be the same, this moment will be lost forever after this. . . I was heart broken.
I am not going to be with anyone I know- I'm going to be the new kid, I've never been the new kid before.  At the same time however I get the chance to be whomever I want to be- I have the opportunity to be Kelsie and that is all.  No one will know where I come from, what accomplishments I have had, or the failures- I'm just me.  This a chance for me to see who I can become, how far I will go and there is for me to conquer in the world unknown.

stalking sunsets.

Sunsets are magical!
Well at least I think so!
The way the light dances across the earth- casting dramatic shadows.
I tried to capture sunbeams.
I wish sunsets would last just a little bit longer and escape the day a little bit slower. . .
I stalked the sunset and came across some serene moments.
How many serene scenes does the sunset see?
I have two favorite times of the day- Morning and Evening!
I love to watch the sun rise and then to anxiously await its setting.
It seems everything is calm and peaceful at these times of day- maybe it is just me. . .
It is like I can feel perfectness of it all-

broken glass.

"Say- if you had wings what color would they be?" -Logan Jones
There is beauty in broken glass.
Sure it shatters, can cut and cause pain. . .
But on the other had it is beautiful- the way light dances in the spiderwebbed cracks, the reflection of the sky above, it is even beautiful to get up close and see the crystalized make-up of the sand.
Lately things have been crazy for me.
Hard.
Confusing.
Frustration.
I have felt almost disconnected from the world. . . on an entire different level than those around me.
But it's okay-
It is moments where I feel like this that I figure myself out.
Moments where I can grow and understand what I really want in my life.
Sometimes my life is like broken glass, it hurts-
But in a sense this "hurt" only allows me to feel more joy.

escape.

Yesterday I rode on a dirt road that I didn't know existed.
I ate lunch on a towel and tried new food.
I learned how to say "barbwire" instead of "bobwire".
Yesterday I climbed up a brick wall, fell in love with the weather, and burnt a memory into my mind.
I climbed a fence, got lost in a corn field, and found beauty in rusting old trucks.
I felt the sting of my own hair whipping me in the face as the wind tossed it.
Yesterday I escaped the heat of  the real world and enjoyed a few hours with a best friend.
I captured moments, held a hand, sat on a tree, and released the flying thoughts of my mind.
It was perfect. Simple marvelous in every way.

chasing rainbows.

Today I worked.

I thought about blueberries, how far they have been and what they have seen.

I thought about the people who picked them.

. . . atleast I pictured people picking them.

I thought I didn't like blueberries. . . but I had never really tried them.

They are pretty good.

On my way home from work it started to rain.

I think they should make car fresheners or perfume that smells like rain.

I like it.

A rainbow appeared in the sky.

Two of them actually.

My sister and I chased them.

I love to look for rainbows.